Children are very often present, or within sight or earshot, when domestic abuse occurs, and can be very severely affected by the abuse. Domestic abuse usually occurs when families are experiencing other problems which can make things much worse for children and families. However, research has commonly found that, regardless of the extent and nature of the problems that may be present in families, it is things associated with the abuse that cause the most distress to children and young people, and are most commonly associated with negative experiences and outcomes for them.

Some commentators would argue that domestic violence is by far the most damaging of all parental behaviours in every sense”. (Kroll & Taylor, 2003 p44)

Children described the physical assaults being frequently accompanied by yelling and verbal abuse. The impact on children of being sworn at or told they should never have been born is devastating. Some say they find it worse than the physical abuse”. (Childline 1997, p30)

Exposure to domestic violence is thought to be particularly damaging to children’s development because it typically involves both a perpetrator and victim(s) who are known to the child”. (Spilsbury et al., 2007 p487-488)

It is only within the last twenty years or so that specific attention has been given to how children are affected by domestic abuse. However, very little research has talked directly to children and young people about what it is like to live with domestic abuse and what help these children would like.

There are major methodological challenges in identifying and accessing children who are living with domestic abuse, meaning that research studies tend to have small sample sizes and to have accessed their participants through shelters and refuges. Often, as a result, there is a reliance on what a parent, professional or other adult says about how a child might be affected. Children can be caught up with domestic abuse in a number of different ways:

• Being directly exposed to domestic abuse (i.e. being a victim).
• Witnessing domestic abuse between others (sometimes children are forced to bear witness to the abuse). Sometimes children get caught up in abuse and violence between their parent(s) and outsiders to the family.
• Being exposed to the marital disharmony and family conflict which comes with the domestic abuse.
• Being forced or compelled to directly intervene (e.g. to protect a parent, sibling, pet or possession, or to get help from others) – often children will be hurt as a result.
• Being exposed to domestic abuse because of the response of the other parent (adult victim) e.g. because the person is stressed or acting out of self-defense.
• Where parents are fighting with each other, a child can be used as a ‘pawn’ in the relationship. For example, an abusive parent might threaten to hurt a child, or to leave the family home with the child. 

It is virtually impossible to imagine and articulate what it can be like for children to live with domestic abuse – the environments in which it occurs become frightening, unsafe, unpredictable, unhappy, confusing and volatile, with children feeling completely powerless and struggling to cope with the different ways in which several people will be behaving.

If a decision is made to flee the abuse then children’s lives may be disrupted by constantly moving, changing schools and losing friends, as well as the possibility of deprivation and financial hardship (and even homelessness) that can accompany this moving about. It is generally believed that if a child can escape the violence (perhaps because their parents separate) and abuse then they will be safe, but this is not always the case. Continued access to the child (e.g. through post-separation contact arrangements) or persistent efforts by a perpetrator to track down the family means that children can remain at risk. Further, the longer-term ramifications of what they have experienced means that children can take some time to recover and for the potential for negative outcomes to sufficiently diminish.

How children will be affected is often influenced by their gender and age as well as other factors such as birth order, number of children in the family and the relationship between the child and the perpetrator. Some populations of children may be at increased risk, or their experience may take on particular features; for example, children from black and minority ethnic groups (Chapter 5 of Mullender et al’s 2002 book is called ‘Barriers of Racism, Ethnicity and Culture’ and will be useful reading for anyone wishing to consider this issue more closely) or children with physical or learning disabilities.

Children are also at risk before they are born; some research has found that pregnancy and the postpartum period can bring a very high risk of moderate to severe violence for mothers and their unborn or new babies. This can increase the risk of miscarriage or of harm, including disability, to the unborn child. Some research has also suggested that children under 5 years of age are at particular risk of negative effects of being exposed to such violence and abuse.

A particularly worrying consequence of living with domestic abuse is that children often learn, or come to believe, that violence and abuse (within the home or external to it) is acceptable and an appropriate way to behave and resolve conflict. For example, a Canadian interview study with 13 children concluded that, “……the children’s acceptance of violence as a way of coping with interpersonal conflict is alarming. Not only do these children perceive that violence is both normal and acceptable, they are also unaware of alternative means of expressing their angry feelings and handling conflict” (page 1206-7).