There is no standard way in which children will react to witnessing or otherwise being victims of domestic abuse; each child will react as an individual, shaped in part by their personality and other factors influencing the environment in which they are living - , “….children respond in unique ways to living with domestic violence” (Buckley, Holt & Whelan, 2007 p296).

Coping will vary by gender and age, and it is also important to highlight that siblings will not necessarily cope, respond or be affected in the same ways. Children’s responses can vary over time and can include opposite behaviours at different times as they struggle to find a way to cope with what is going on that makes them feel better and safer.

Many children’s coping strategies will also be shaped by their desire to protect others in their family (and also to hide what is going on from others); for example, an adult parent, younger siblings, pets or even valuable possessions in the home. Research has reported that children, even very young children, know the number of the emergency services, may carry (at all times) details of what to do and who to call in an emergency, and there are also examples of children who have called for help from the police, other emergency services or from a family member or neighbour. Many children put themselves at great risk because of some of the ways in which they cope, particularly when trying to help or protect others.

With regards to age and gender, it has been found that younger children tend to cope by disengaging in different ways such as playing and fantasising, whilst older children tend to show more externalising behaviours including truancy.

One study found that younger children had a tendency to blame themselves for the domestic violence whereas older children were more likely to hold the perpetrator responsible. Research has found that boys are more likely to cope by, for example, exhibiting outward expression, aggression, bad behaviour, use of violence, and truancy, whereas girls are more likely to cope by keeping it inside, feeling anxious or depressed, thinking badly of themselves, and engaging in harmful behaviours such as self-harm and eating disorders.

There is growing evidence that some children are not always as adversely affected by parental domestic abuse as suggested by large areas of the research in this area. Increased recognition is being given to a set of protective factors and processes (individual, familial and environmental) that, if present, can buffer children against the negative effects of parental alcohol misuse. This phenomenon is commonly called resilience. It is discussed in more detail elsewhere in this website. › read more on resilience 

To understand what this means in terms of identifying children who are living with parental domestic abuse and who may need help, you can find out more about common signs to look out for, and ideas of how to talk to children to find out if they are living with parental domestic abuse. › read more